


ilomilo

by Ice_Queen784



Series: Devil in Me [7]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Based on a Billie Eilish Song, Based on a song, Established Relationship, F/M, Heavy Angst, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28760883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice_Queen784/pseuds/Ice_Queen784
Summary: Where did you go?I should know, but it’s coldAnd I don’t wanna be lonelySo show me the way homeI can’t lose another life
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Series: Devil in Me [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1850731
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	ilomilo

**Author's Note:**

> Based on ilomilo by Billie Eilish

_ Told you not to worry _

_ But maybe that’s a lie _

_ Honey, what’s your hurry? _

_ Won’t you stay inside? _

Melinda laid in Phil’s bunk in the Lighthouse with him, holding onto him in a somber silence. Ever since she found out he was dying, she had found herself clinging desperately to him. She tried her best not to act clingy. She was upset with him, and she was trying to distance herself from him. But she just couldn’t stay away. She wanted to spend every moment possible with him.

She had told him that Simmons would find a way to save him, and she hoped and prayed that she could. But she knew he wasn’t convinced, and if she was being honest, neither was she. There might not be a way to save his life. 

Suddenly, Phil stood up, letting go of her hand. He started to walk towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Melinda asked, hoping she didn’t sound like a frightened child. 

“I’m going down to my office.” He told her. “In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s a lot going on around here.”

“I know, but I think we can stay in bed for a few more minutes.” She argued with a pout. 

Phil sighed.

“We can’t.” He replied. “You’re welcome to come with me if you want. But you’re going to have to learn to let me go.”

“No.” She shook her head. “I can’t. And I won’t.”

_ Remember not to get too close to stars _

_ They’re never gonna give you love like ours  _

Melinda tried not to let her concern for Phil override her judgement about the mission. But she couldn’t help it, especially when he agreed to hand himself over to General Hale as her prisoner. He defended the decision by saying that it would give him an opportunity to gather intel about her from the inside. And she knew he had a point. It was a good strategy. But she didn’t want to let him do it. She was afraid for his health and safety. So she tried to convince him not to. But in the end, he went with her anyway.

She hoped and prayed that they would get him back. That he would return to her unharmed. She couldn’t understand why he was being so reckless. She wished he would be a little more careful. She couldn’t handle losing him again. She knew it would break her. 

If he died, she feared she would never be okay again. She would certainly never love again. She had come a long way since he had pulled her out of her cubicle to join his team. He had taught her how to live again. How to love again. And she had thought they would have forever to be together. But now it looked like she might’ve been wrong.

_ Where did you go? _

_ I should know, but it’s cold _

_ And I don’t wanna be lonely _

_ So show me the way home _

_ I can’t lose another life  _

When Daisy decided to lead a team to find Phil, Melinda immediately agreed to go with her. It had been several days since he had been taken by Hale, and there had been no sign of him. They had to find him. They needed him. The team was falling apart without him. And so was she.

She boarded the Zephyr with Daisy, feeling more than a little desperate. They had decided to go to Robin Hinton for help locating Phil, hopeful she had seen him in one of her visions. It was a risk to take her out of hiding, but at this point, it was a risk they had to take.

Melinda felt so lost and alone without Phil. She couldn’t stand to spend another lonely night in the Lighthouse knowing he was being held as a prisoner by the enemy. Without Phil, the darkness and dreariness of the Lighthouse was unbearable. She knew she would lose her mind without him. Without him, she barely even knew who she was. He was her home. He was her everything. She couldn’t lose him.

_ Hurry, I’m worried  _

Melinda sat alone in the cockpit of the Zephyr. She was flying as fast as the ship could go, but somehow it still didn’t seem fast enough. She was trying not to let her worry for Phil cloud her judgement, but she couldn’t help it. It was overtaking every part of her brain. And the only thing that would stop it was to find him and save him. 

_ The world’s a little blurry _

_ Or maybe it’s my eyes _

_ The friends I’ve had to bury _

_ They keep me up at night  _

Later that day, Melinda sat back in the cockpit after they picked up Robin and her mother. As it turns out, Robin was able to help them. One of her drawings showed Phil and another man among some snowy mountains, which they had been able to match to a geographic location. 

As she flew them to the location, she was somehow both relieved and afraid at the same time. She was relieved that Robin had been able to help them. But that hadn’t made her any less afraid for Phil. She was terrified for him. Terrified of losing him.

Suddenly, the sky in front of her started to get a little blurry as tears welled up in her eyes. She blinked them away as quickly as possible. It wouldn’t do Phil any good for her to crash the Zephyr because she was crying. 

Melinda tried to think about something else, but she couldn’t. All she could think about was Phil. She had hardly slept in the days since he went missing. She’d had trouble sleeping for years, kept awake by nightmares of the people she’d lost and the things she’d done. Phil had been able to help her with that. But now that he was gone, there was no chance of her sleeping. And she wouldn’t rest again until he was back in her arms.

_ Said I couldn’t love someone  _

_ ‘Cause I might break  _

_ If you’re gonna die, not by mistake  _

They found Phil in the mountains Robin had drawn, along with Talbot, who had apparently been Hale’s prisoner for months. They had rescued them, although Deke had been shot in the process. Phil had managed to get information about Hale’s plans, which was important, but Melinda was mostly just relieved that he was alright.

She had closed herself off from love for years, afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of losing them or hurting them. But she was in love with Phil. She had been since the day she met him. And now he was doing exactly what she feared he would. Not only was he dying, he was deliberately putting himself in harm’s way. Putting his life at risk, like he was trying to die even faster. She was sure that if he died, she would break apart completely. 

_ So, where did you go? _

_ I should know, but it’s cold _

_ And I don’t wanna be lonely _

_ So tell me you’ll come home _

_ Even if it’s just a lie  _

When they got back to base, Melinda got in an argument with Phil in a corridor over his recent behavior. 

“We need to talk about Fitzsimmons and Yo-Yo.” He told her. “If they really believe they can’t be killed-,”

“That’s not the conversation we’re having right now.” She cut him off. 

“Then what conversation are we having right now?”

“The one where you explain all the stupid decisions you’ve been making recently.” 

“That’s rather specific.” 

“Giving yourself up to Hale was a mistake.” 

“She was about to blow up the Zephyr.” Phil argued. “What did you want me to do?”

“I don’t know.” She replied. “Stall her long enough for me to get to the cockpit. You hold on while I throw the plane into a vertical dive, maybe knock out Creel-,”   
  


“You gonna get to a point?”

“My point is you didn’t even try.” Melinda shot back. “You just rolled over without a fight.”

“I did what I thought was best and it got results. We rescued Talbot and learned about Hale’s agenda.”

“Yeah, and nearly lost Deke in the process.” She pointed out. 

“He should’ve listened to Daisy.” He replied.

“Well maybe Daisy shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place.”

“You don’t think she should lead?” He questioned. 

“I didn’t say that. But she does need time. She’s questioning herself.”

“I question myself every day.” 

“Let me speak.” She demanded. “All Daisy could think about was getting you back. She’s not ready for your job, Phil.”

“She has to be.” He told her. “My time is running out.”

“Because you’re being irresponsible.” She argued. “You said you weren’t in a hurry to die, but you’re not acting like it.”

“So this isn’t as much about my stupidity as it is about me dying.”

“Seems like one thing led to the other.” 

“You realize this isn’t easy for me. But I’ve accepted it.”

“Which is the problem.” 

“Maybe I’m reckless. But if this is the end, better to go out doing something that matters.”

“No.” She shook her head. “You don’t get to make that decision alone. That decision is made with the people who love you. And that’s me. I love you.”

“I know. And I love you too. But you have to let me-,”

“Don’t you dare tell me to let you go.” She cut him off. “I can’t and I won’t.”

“What do you want me to do, Melinda?” He asked. “I’m dying and there’s nothing that I can do about that.”

“I just want you to promise me that you’ll be more careful.” 

“I can’t promise you that.” Phil replied. “I’m sorry.”

Melinda turned around and walked away, leaving him standing there in the hallway. Even if Phil had promised to be more careful, she would’ve known deep down that he didn’t mean it. But in that moment, she had needed to hear him say it anyway, even if it was a lie. And his refusal felt like a knife in her heart. 

_ I tried not to upset you _

_ Let you rescue me the day I met you _

_ I just wanted to protect you _

_ But now I’ll never get to  _

Melinda knew she should find a way to be useful to the team, but right now, she was too upset to care. She was completely unraveling. Coming apart at the seams in a way she hadn’t allowed herself to in a long time. So instead of finding something to do, she went to her bunk and locked the door.

She sat down on her bed and stared at the wall. She tried to clear her mind, but she couldn’t. She was losing it. She was about to lose the one person who meant the most to her, and now she was losing her sanity. 

Phil had been by her side for most of her life. He had always been there for her. He had saved her when she needed saving. And now, she wanted to do the same for him. She wanted to protect him. But she couldn't. He wouldn’t let her. He didn’t want to be saved. He had made his choice, and there was nothing she could do to change his mind. 

_ Hurry, I’m worried  _

Melinda desperately wished that Phil would knock on her door. That he would apologize for earlier and promise to be more careful. That he would tell her he changed his mind. That he wanted to live. That he wanted to stay with her forever. 

But he didn’t, and she knew he never would. He was going to leave her to drown, first in worry, then again in loneliness. 

_ Where did you go? _

_ I should know, but it’s cold _

_ And I don’t wanna be lonely _

_ Was hoping you’d come home _

_ I don’t care if it’s a lie  _

After what felt like an eternity of waiting, Melinda finally left her bunk and went to find Phil. He was in his office, staring at his desk. She knocked on the door as she entered. 

“Is this a bad time?” She asked.

“It’s never a bad time for you, love.” Phil replied. 

“Why don’t you come to bed?” She suggested. “It’s getting late.”

“I wouldn’t be able to sleep.”

“Who said anything about sleeping?” Melinda retorted playfully.

He sighed.

“I’m really not in the mood for that either.” He told her. 

“Can I at least stay in here with you?” She requested. “I don’t want to be alone.”

“Eventually, you will be. And you’re going to have to accept that. ” He pointed out. “But of course, you can stay here.”

Melinda took the seat across from him, and the two of them sat there in silence. She wanted to try again to change his mind. To beg him not to die. But she knew arguing would be pointless. He was dying and there was nothing she could do about it. She knew she should just accept it. But she couldn’t. She wasn’t ready, and she probably never would be. 

All she wanted was for him to stay with her forever. And all she wanted to hear him say was that he would. She didn’t care if it was a lie. She just wanted to convince herself that he would live. Because she knew she couldn’t live without him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more in this series soonish. Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
